Rilke is Amazing

I'm reading off and on some poetry from Rilke's Book of Hours. Amazing. I love it. On that note, this is the poem I've been obsessing over today.

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.

Impressions from Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

Firstly- wow. How did this movie get made?? Oh, right, John Travolta.

Secondly, lies that Battlefield Earth told me:
- less than a week in a flight simulator is all it would take to learn to fly a jet
- you can rip the guts out of a nuclear warhead and use it as a bomb without any (to our knowledge) understanding of bombs
- fighter jets, walkie talkies, books in a blown up, decaying library and who knows what else can apparently remain in tip-top condition for a thousand years! Splendid!

Thirdly, impressions from the film:
- wow, did they ever love slow motion. About every ten minutes there was a slow motion sequence.
- NEVER have I heard echoing used like that in a movie. Somebody says something dramatic and echo, echo, echo... for example, "You're not staying here for five more cycles, you're staying for 50 cycles! (50 cycles, 50 cycles, 50 cycles...)"
- someone is obsessed with breaking glass. First there was the slow motion scene where Johnny crashes through about 8 plate glass windows while he's passing out from the tranq. laser. He lands in the pile of shards but emerges with only one cut on his forehead! Yay Johnny! Then later, when the dome is collapsing, huge chunks of glass fall smashing to the ground, shattering all over- again and again and again.
- what is up with this species that they don't care when a limb gets sliced off?

If anyone has arguments about why this film is awesome, lay 'em on me.

Logic Can Be a Bitter Enemy

I've always prided myself on how logical I am. I try to think things through before I make decisions, I like pro/con lists, I like facts, I like data, I like certainty. Even snap choices I make I can usually draw a line of logic from what I heard to what made me respond. But logic can only take you so far. Because, as I am dismayed to continue discovering, my logic doesn't always apply. Humans are too complex. The word chicken can trigger really different responses from people. Marty McFly would completely freak out if I called him my little chicken and possibly take a swing at me while he yelled, "Nobody calls me chicken!" Marty would have no way of knowing that "little chicken" is one of my most ultimate terms of endearment. How could he know?

So I find myself trying to understand the world around me based on my logical conclusions. But, it doesn't really work out that way and I insert my foot in my mouth at best and end of feeling like an utter failure at worse.

I was reading My Utmost for His Highest yesterday and at one point Chambers says how uncertainty and realizations of our short comings are these devastating moments for us. We fret and cry and beat ourselves up when really they are moments that are just right. Chambers posits that it is in these moments of loss and spiritual poverty that we are open to letting God fill us and lead us. Instead of gasping in fear or frustration we should be sighing with elation, thrilled about the new challenges and adventures ahead. Not something that comes naturally to me and frankly, one of the reasons I married Joe was because I knew he would never let me stagnate. No matter how much I might naturally resist it, he would bring that adventure into my life that I really need.

Yet, I'm having trouble swallowing this one today, I really am. I like to fix things, I like to know what's happening and it's really hard for me to be patient and wait for things to play our around me. But, my friend Matt Rogers said once, many years ago, "We prove what matters to us by what we're willing to wait for and by how we're willing to wait for it." And I find that the things that are hardest for me to be patient about are the ones I want enough that I can be willing to wait for them.

So here's to prying open my grip on uncontrollable things and not trying to make things or people act the way I want them to. Cheers.

Maybe I'm a genius?? Or was a genius...

I just had this quasi creepy moment reading something and thinking, huh, how insightful. Then I realized... I wrote it. About five years ago. Hmm... what does that say about me? Maybe I've gotten stupider over the past five years! Unfortunate to say the least. You're always hoping that you're improving in life, not devolving. Curse. Instead I'm going to tell myself that I am not growing stupid, it's just that God blessed me with a moment of insight when I needed it. That will make me feel better.

I also just realized that I used to literally blog every day my last semester of college. Is it just because I was a semi-narcissistic college student who thought all their thoughts were like precious gems couple with probably having more time on my hands than I realized? Or was it a worthwhile activity? I must ponder this.

Super Powers?

My co-worker Jen just said to me- "If I could have any super power it would be..."
(Dramatic pause- what would she say? fly? breathe under water? weird plant powers like Poison Ivy? walk through walls??)
"...hibernation."
Interesting.
When I questioned her about missing out on life she got a dreamy look on her face and said, "I can dream about it." She then went on to say how great it would be to get all fat and sleep for months and then BAM, wake up in time for spring, ready to go. Now, I must say, most creative super power I have ever heard.

And the Award goes to...

ME! For living through nearly 27 years with no cavities, in spite of a five year absence from the dental chair (not recommended). There are so many people I need to thank-

First, I would like to thank my hygienist, Monica, for delivering the joyful news as well as my dentist for telling me I have "beautiful teeth." Thanks doc. ~wink~

Secondly, I would like to thank my oral-b vitality toothbrush, without which I surely could have never lived this dream.

To my mom and dad of course, for instilling good oral hygiene and buying me Acts Kids.

And lastly, I would like to thank God, for giving me these remarkably resilient teeth. Thank you!

Warning- Heavy Topic

Preface: I don't usually write about this topic, because I know it's a hot button and very emotional topic. I know that I get very emotional about it and I know that it could hurt people and make them feel that I judge them. I don't. Truly, I don't.

I just started the book Unwind by Neil Shusterman and frankly, it's breaking my heart. Granted, my heart was already feeling pretty cracked and shakey before I even started reading this book, so it wasn't too hard for it to start fracturing along the fault lines. But I think the part that is hurting me the most is that though in Shusterman's imaginary America abortion has been abolished, parents not wanting their babies and innocent people dying hasn't changed. At one point, one of the characters muses, "Which was worse...to have tens of thousands of babies that no one wanted, or to silently make them go away before they were even born?"

I think that people who believe in pro-life kind of believe that if abortion could only be made illegal, everything would change and lives would be saved. People would change. I may have even thought this at some point. But, as my brother often says, you can't legislate morality. No law can change someone's heart or feelings. No law will change that gut-wrenching desperation, fear, hopelessness and overwhelming feelings of impossibility that accompany an unwanted pregnancy. Even now, married and wanting to have babies with Joe the timing right now would be awful. If I realized I was pregnant right now I would cry and not because I was happy.

But even empathizing with the women and girls who feel driven to abortions, it still breaks my heart. Maybe now it's worse because there are so many beautiful little babies showing up around me and the prospect of having my own becomes more and more real. Holding my dear friend Amanda's baby was magical- she was so tiny, I'd forgotten how tiny a newborn is. And she was perfect and sassy and pink, raising her eyebrows at me and giving me looks of "seriously, your hands are cold" through slitted eyes. She is wonderful. And wanted. So wanted. We'd prayed for her and loved her all through those nine months. And all through those nine months and the pregnancies of other friends and aquaintances I thanked God that these babies are wanted. That they will be loved and cherished. And that thought gave me some comfort. Because there's nothing I can really do about abortions or abused and neglected children that some would say are better off dead. I can give money to organizations that help them, I can always be ready to take one of them into my home, I can pray for them; but day to day I can't really stop what's happening to them. But I can love the children around me. I can love my own, even if they show up unexpectedly. That will count for something, I hope.

Mother Teresa once said, "Please don't kill the child. I want the child. Please give me the child. I am willing to accept any child who would be aborted, and to give that child to a married couple who will love the child, and be loved by the child." She did it too. She took any baby that was brought to her by a mother that wouldn't or couldn't care for it. I don't want to start some Pro-life/Pro-choice debate. I'm not looking to make enemies or hurt anyone. I know and deeply love people who have made the choice to end their pregnancies and even though I grieved for them and their babies, it didn't make me love them any less. That's why I think Mother Teresa's example of using love, not anger or violence or debate or even laws, to bring the change she wanted to see in the world was so admirable. She didn't try to argue with people or change them. She opened her arms to everyone. She made it her goal to love everyone. And that is mine as well. And if by some miracle, anyone ever runs across this blog who is pregnant and doesn't want that baby, I want it. I will help you. God will help me to do it.