Unexpected company

~opens door~
"Oh! Snow! I didn't expect to see you today. It's been what... a month or so since you left Syracuse? I didn't think you planned to come back until November... oh, no no no, I'm not trying to say I'm not glad to see you, I was just surprised is all. Yes, of course, we've known each other for years.... let's not talk about that time I spent in California, you know it only makes you upset. So.... umm... are you planning on staying long? Oh no? Oh, um, shucks. Of course I'm sad to see you go, let's not have this fight again. Well, yes, of course I love Sunshine. No, no, I love you both, just in different ways. Let's not make this more difficult than it already is, why don't we just enjoy the time we have together. Would you like some tea?"

It's a Battle of Me VS the SERRATED KNIVES

I have never seriously cut myself with a smooth edged kitchen knife. We've always been good friends. However, I firmly believe serrated knives are out to get me. Most recently I neatly sliced off the tip of my left pointer finger (just the ball of my finger, not the nail or bone) with a bread knife. A mere month later that same finger was cut with yet ANOTHER serrated knife while doing dishes at the cafe I volunteer at. Only moments ago one of my steak knives violently twisted toward my fingers while I was cutting (no blood spilled). Coincidence? I think not!

At this point I would be only mildly surprised to enter the kitchen one night to find all serrated knives plotting my demise.

Will April 16th always make me sad and homesick?

You see, I want a lot.
Maybe I want it all:
the darkness of each endless fall,
the shimmering light of each ascent.

So many are alive who don't seem to care.
Casual, easy, they move in the world
as though untouched.

But you take pleasure in the faces
of those who know they thirst.
You cherish those
who grip you for survival.

You are not dead yet, it's not too late
to open your depths by plunging into them
and drink in the life
that reveals itself quietly there.

-Rilke

What happened at Virginia Tech April 16, 2007 isn't something I like to talk about. It's something I sometimes feel like I want to talk about, but when I start I want to stop. The Hokies I love understand the ache that terrible day has left in my heart.

So let me just say, 4/16 makes me remember how precious life is, how loving God is, how much I love my family and friends, my hometown and school. And I'll pray for the families and friends that lost people they loved and hope that they can grip God for survival.

He is Risen

At that moment they heard from behind them a loud noise — a great cracking, deafening noise as if a giant had broken a giant’s plate…. The Stone Table was broken into two pieces by a great crack that ran down it from end to end; and there was no Aslan.

“Who’s done it?” cried Susan. “What does it mean? Is it more magic?”

“Yes!” said a great voice from behind their backs. “It is more magic.” They looked round. There, shining in the sunrise, larger than they had seen him before, shaking his mane (for it had apparently grown again) stood Aslan himself.

“Oh, Aslan!” cried both the children, staring up at him, almost as much frightened as they were glad….

“But what does it all mean?” asked Susan when they were somewhat calmer.

“It means,” said Aslan, “that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backward.”

-CS Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever."
-Revelations 1:17-18

A note of thanks

I have been volunteering at a cafe designed to fund a non-profit organization that counsels and supports people affected by eating disorders. The opportunity kind of fell in my lap and I have really loved it. Eating disorders are distressingly prevalent in our society and I'm happy I can help such a great group of people as they help others.

Yesterday I was browsing over the books the cafe had on sale and ran across one called Andrea's Voice: Silenced by Bulimia by Doris Smeltzer with poems and journal entries and letters from her daughter Andrea Smeltzer. I started reading it during a lull in business because I had heard it was a pretty amazing book and I've had a really hard time putting it down. Some parts are painful to read, Doris is brutally honest. She doesn't make any excuses, her goal is complete disclosure in the hope that their story can help others. One thing that she mentions throughout that book is how she unwittingly reinforced the ideas of body dissatisfaction, unrealistic goals, dieting, etc. Ideas that had been ingrained into her, she in turn ingrained into her daughters as a societal norm. It would be hard to break that subconscious cycle.

But while I was reading this I thought of two instances in my formative years that have really helped me with this issue. It's hard to feel bad about yourself and like your body is gross. And there have surely been moments that I have struggled with those feelings. But I feel like under those moments or struggle and "fat days" I have a foundation of confidence to fall back on because of my mom, my brother and now, my husband.

When I hit puberty I hit it hard. At least hard for me. I didn't want to start wearing bras or any of those other rites of passage that made you a woman. I was satisfied where I was. So I wasn't keen on getting hips, breasts or a "womanly shape." But, I remember very clearly my mom telling me sometime that there are all different shapes and that we would never be "skinny minis" but that was okay. What mattered was being healthy and happy. And that little chat made a world of difference. I could look at myself and think, hey, I'm okay. I've got wide hips and I've got a pretty sturdy bone structure and that's cool. I can balance a laundry basket on my hips like you wouldn't believe.

Later, when it was more about boys and less about me, my brother Jason said something to me along the lines of, stand up straight, walk with confidence, be yourself and guys will like you. I remember him going on to say how different guys like different body types and he liked girls with figures like mine. And that meant the world to me. I haven't had a million boyfriends or anything, but my brother really helped me feel attractive and worthy.

Now, of course, I have my beloved husband who makes me feel great all the time (or tries to- even he can't combat a really bad PMS day). I just feel really blessed. Now I don't know if these things make or break having an eating disorder. Maybe my psyche and personality were never prone to them. But, they have given me a lot of mental peace and a measure of confidence when facing our wretched "thin culture." I just wanted to share how grateful I am to my family.

Rilke is Amazing

I'm reading off and on some poetry from Rilke's Book of Hours. Amazing. I love it. On that note, this is the poem I've been obsessing over today.

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.

Impressions from Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

Firstly- wow. How did this movie get made?? Oh, right, John Travolta.

Secondly, lies that Battlefield Earth told me:
- less than a week in a flight simulator is all it would take to learn to fly a jet
- you can rip the guts out of a nuclear warhead and use it as a bomb without any (to our knowledge) understanding of bombs
- fighter jets, walkie talkies, books in a blown up, decaying library and who knows what else can apparently remain in tip-top condition for a thousand years! Splendid!

Thirdly, impressions from the film:
- wow, did they ever love slow motion. About every ten minutes there was a slow motion sequence.
- NEVER have I heard echoing used like that in a movie. Somebody says something dramatic and echo, echo, echo... for example, "You're not staying here for five more cycles, you're staying for 50 cycles! (50 cycles, 50 cycles, 50 cycles...)"
- someone is obsessed with breaking glass. First there was the slow motion scene where Johnny crashes through about 8 plate glass windows while he's passing out from the tranq. laser. He lands in the pile of shards but emerges with only one cut on his forehead! Yay Johnny! Then later, when the dome is collapsing, huge chunks of glass fall smashing to the ground, shattering all over- again and again and again.
- what is up with this species that they don't care when a limb gets sliced off?

If anyone has arguments about why this film is awesome, lay 'em on me.