Feelings of Fear

In a very revealing and honest article the authoress Anne Rice announced her renunciation of Christianity in a very gutsy and heart-wrenching move. The key phrase to notice is she renounced Christianity, not God. In her own words:

"For those who care, and I understand if you don't: Today I quit being a Christian. I'm out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being 'Christian' or to being part of Christianity. It's simply impossible for me to 'belong' to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I've tried. I've failed. I'm an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else."

I listened to the interview with tears in my eyes, completely understanding her feelings of confusion and grief. I feel the same way so often; anxious about labeling myself a Christian for fear that I will automatically change in people's eyes. That they will be afraid of my judgment. That they'll feel they have to hide themselves from me.

It's not the way it's meant to be, I know it's not, because it's not the way it was for Jesus. People flocked to him, followed him everywhere, especially the misfits. He gathered together the most unlikely group of confidants. Yet somehow, we seem to stray from that, not necessarily as individuals, but as a culture; Christians are known for hate, not love. What a tragedy.

I mention this especially because of the overturn of Prop 8. The conservatives are screeching in dismay, liberals are screaming with joy and the discord between the two sides are growing. Conservative Christians are standing in firm opposition and this is where my fear comes in- will this be another time of hate? Will people look at churches and Christians and will the first thing that comes to their mind be thoughts of hate?

[I sat on this post for a week or more, afraid to post it but today I was reading an article and reader's comments about the proposed mosque going up near ground zero and my heart sank. The most hateful sounding posts were coming from Christians. Again, reinforcement for people's belief that Christians are full of hate. Wonderful.]

I want to prod people to think- how can this be avoided? Fellow Christians, think carefully about the things you say, the comments you post, the blogs you write, the sermons you hear or repeat, the people you talk to. Who are you serving with this? a cause or God? is love motivating you?

I fear we, Christians, get too caught up in making stands, taking sides and winning fights. We worry about controlling the world and society. I'm worried about what those things do to us. How they can isolate us. Set us apart, but not in a good way- make us unapproachable. How can that be right?

It can't be, can it?

It's so easy to say and do things without thinking of the consequences. Find me 10 years ago and who knows what my stance would be. A lot more harsh. A lot more hateful. A lot more black and white (maybe the loss of that is bad, I don't know). Because I didn't have a face in my mind. But now, when I talk and think about gay rights, it's not a faceless mass anymore. It's people I love. It's people I don't want to hurt or see hurt by others. It's friends that I would never want to feel like they were not loved, welcomed and wanted in my life, because they are.

I could be wrong. I don't know what's right. And I doubt I'll ever be able to convince the vocal, "quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous" Christians Anne Rice speaks of to quiet down and try simply loving the people around them. But I can love the people around me. I can hope that at least those people will be able to think to themselves "not all Christians are judgmental jerks." And if enough of us do this, maybe everyone will be able to think that. Maybe someday our quiet majority of people loving other people like Jesus did will start a tide of love that will quell all those burning feelings of hatred and hurt.

Dare to dream, right?

[There's a lot to be said on this topic but this post is getting too long. I'm happy to get feedback and questions from anyone if you feel confused or perplexed about what I'm trying to say.]