A note of thanks

I have been volunteering at a cafe designed to fund a non-profit organization that counsels and supports people affected by eating disorders. The opportunity kind of fell in my lap and I have really loved it. Eating disorders are distressingly prevalent in our society and I'm happy I can help such a great group of people as they help others.

Yesterday I was browsing over the books the cafe had on sale and ran across one called Andrea's Voice: Silenced by Bulimia by Doris Smeltzer with poems and journal entries and letters from her daughter Andrea Smeltzer. I started reading it during a lull in business because I had heard it was a pretty amazing book and I've had a really hard time putting it down. Some parts are painful to read, Doris is brutally honest. She doesn't make any excuses, her goal is complete disclosure in the hope that their story can help others. One thing that she mentions throughout that book is how she unwittingly reinforced the ideas of body dissatisfaction, unrealistic goals, dieting, etc. Ideas that had been ingrained into her, she in turn ingrained into her daughters as a societal norm. It would be hard to break that subconscious cycle.

But while I was reading this I thought of two instances in my formative years that have really helped me with this issue. It's hard to feel bad about yourself and like your body is gross. And there have surely been moments that I have struggled with those feelings. But I feel like under those moments or struggle and "fat days" I have a foundation of confidence to fall back on because of my mom, my brother and now, my husband.

When I hit puberty I hit it hard. At least hard for me. I didn't want to start wearing bras or any of those other rites of passage that made you a woman. I was satisfied where I was. So I wasn't keen on getting hips, breasts or a "womanly shape." But, I remember very clearly my mom telling me sometime that there are all different shapes and that we would never be "skinny minis" but that was okay. What mattered was being healthy and happy. And that little chat made a world of difference. I could look at myself and think, hey, I'm okay. I've got wide hips and I've got a pretty sturdy bone structure and that's cool. I can balance a laundry basket on my hips like you wouldn't believe.

Later, when it was more about boys and less about me, my brother Jason said something to me along the lines of, stand up straight, walk with confidence, be yourself and guys will like you. I remember him going on to say how different guys like different body types and he liked girls with figures like mine. And that meant the world to me. I haven't had a million boyfriends or anything, but my brother really helped me feel attractive and worthy.

Now, of course, I have my beloved husband who makes me feel great all the time (or tries to- even he can't combat a really bad PMS day). I just feel really blessed. Now I don't know if these things make or break having an eating disorder. Maybe my psyche and personality were never prone to them. But, they have given me a lot of mental peace and a measure of confidence when facing our wretched "thin culture." I just wanted to share how grateful I am to my family.

Rilke is Amazing

I'm reading off and on some poetry from Rilke's Book of Hours. Amazing. I love it. On that note, this is the poem I've been obsessing over today.

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.

Impressions from Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

Firstly- wow. How did this movie get made?? Oh, right, John Travolta.

Secondly, lies that Battlefield Earth told me:
- less than a week in a flight simulator is all it would take to learn to fly a jet
- you can rip the guts out of a nuclear warhead and use it as a bomb without any (to our knowledge) understanding of bombs
- fighter jets, walkie talkies, books in a blown up, decaying library and who knows what else can apparently remain in tip-top condition for a thousand years! Splendid!

Thirdly, impressions from the film:
- wow, did they ever love slow motion. About every ten minutes there was a slow motion sequence.
- NEVER have I heard echoing used like that in a movie. Somebody says something dramatic and echo, echo, echo... for example, "You're not staying here for five more cycles, you're staying for 50 cycles! (50 cycles, 50 cycles, 50 cycles...)"
- someone is obsessed with breaking glass. First there was the slow motion scene where Johnny crashes through about 8 plate glass windows while he's passing out from the tranq. laser. He lands in the pile of shards but emerges with only one cut on his forehead! Yay Johnny! Then later, when the dome is collapsing, huge chunks of glass fall smashing to the ground, shattering all over- again and again and again.
- what is up with this species that they don't care when a limb gets sliced off?

If anyone has arguments about why this film is awesome, lay 'em on me.

Logic Can Be a Bitter Enemy

I've always prided myself on how logical I am. I try to think things through before I make decisions, I like pro/con lists, I like facts, I like data, I like certainty. Even snap choices I make I can usually draw a line of logic from what I heard to what made me respond. But logic can only take you so far. Because, as I am dismayed to continue discovering, my logic doesn't always apply. Humans are too complex. The word chicken can trigger really different responses from people. Marty McFly would completely freak out if I called him my little chicken and possibly take a swing at me while he yelled, "Nobody calls me chicken!" Marty would have no way of knowing that "little chicken" is one of my most ultimate terms of endearment. How could he know?

So I find myself trying to understand the world around me based on my logical conclusions. But, it doesn't really work out that way and I insert my foot in my mouth at best and end of feeling like an utter failure at worse.

I was reading My Utmost for His Highest yesterday and at one point Chambers says how uncertainty and realizations of our short comings are these devastating moments for us. We fret and cry and beat ourselves up when really they are moments that are just right. Chambers posits that it is in these moments of loss and spiritual poverty that we are open to letting God fill us and lead us. Instead of gasping in fear or frustration we should be sighing with elation, thrilled about the new challenges and adventures ahead. Not something that comes naturally to me and frankly, one of the reasons I married Joe was because I knew he would never let me stagnate. No matter how much I might naturally resist it, he would bring that adventure into my life that I really need.

Yet, I'm having trouble swallowing this one today, I really am. I like to fix things, I like to know what's happening and it's really hard for me to be patient and wait for things to play our around me. But, my friend Matt Rogers said once, many years ago, "We prove what matters to us by what we're willing to wait for and by how we're willing to wait for it." And I find that the things that are hardest for me to be patient about are the ones I want enough that I can be willing to wait for them.

So here's to prying open my grip on uncontrollable things and not trying to make things or people act the way I want them to. Cheers.

Maybe I'm a genius?? Or was a genius...

I just had this quasi creepy moment reading something and thinking, huh, how insightful. Then I realized... I wrote it. About five years ago. Hmm... what does that say about me? Maybe I've gotten stupider over the past five years! Unfortunate to say the least. You're always hoping that you're improving in life, not devolving. Curse. Instead I'm going to tell myself that I am not growing stupid, it's just that God blessed me with a moment of insight when I needed it. That will make me feel better.

I also just realized that I used to literally blog every day my last semester of college. Is it just because I was a semi-narcissistic college student who thought all their thoughts were like precious gems couple with probably having more time on my hands than I realized? Or was it a worthwhile activity? I must ponder this.

Super Powers?

My co-worker Jen just said to me- "If I could have any super power it would be..."
(Dramatic pause- what would she say? fly? breathe under water? weird plant powers like Poison Ivy? walk through walls??)
"...hibernation."
Interesting.
When I questioned her about missing out on life she got a dreamy look on her face and said, "I can dream about it." She then went on to say how great it would be to get all fat and sleep for months and then BAM, wake up in time for spring, ready to go. Now, I must say, most creative super power I have ever heard.

And the Award goes to...

ME! For living through nearly 27 years with no cavities, in spite of a five year absence from the dental chair (not recommended). There are so many people I need to thank-

First, I would like to thank my hygienist, Monica, for delivering the joyful news as well as my dentist for telling me I have "beautiful teeth." Thanks doc. ~wink~

Secondly, I would like to thank my oral-b vitality toothbrush, without which I surely could have never lived this dream.

To my mom and dad of course, for instilling good oral hygiene and buying me Acts Kids.

And lastly, I would like to thank God, for giving me these remarkably resilient teeth. Thank you!